Review: LIFE

(rogerebert.com)

(rogerebert.com)

Whitney Ethridge, Staff Reporter

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I never watch Sci Fi movies because they always seem like the exact same storyline, just with different special effects. I did however go and see “Life”, the new alien movie starring Ryan Reynolds and Jake Gyllenhaal. Before I go into detail, here is my short review. “Life” is another predictable, burnt out alien movie.

It all begins when the International Space Station catches a capsule with materials from Mars. All the movie ever shows coming out of the capsule is dirt, so I don’t understand why they were so excited to receive it. I understand they got the dirt to prove there is life on Mars, but come on…six fully grown adults excited over dirt…it doesn’t add up. Soon the paralyzed British scientist (played by Ariyon Bakare) begins to play with the dirt. It was riveting. Nothing happened until he added glucose. Sound familiar? Photosynthesis? Once he added glucose a knock off, “Flubber” was created (if you don’t know what Flubber is then you’re uncultured). This knock off was named “Calvin”.

Calvin seemed all cute and friendly at first, then it went into hibernation, then the British guy wanted to wake it up because it was his “baby”. He decides to shock Calvin with an electric prod and that just ticks Calvin off. Calvin wakes up and SURPRISE he’s not a sweet little alien anymore. He breaks the paralysed guy hand, leaving him with only one functioning limb. Calvin breaks out of his container and starts floating around the room (the British guy is passed out floating in the air). For some reason there was a rat in the lab…in space, and SURPRISE Calvin eats it.

After the other astronauts see what the rip-off Flubber is capable of, they try to get the British dude out of the lab. They get the British guy out, Ryan Reynolds gets trapped in the lab and killed and they lose Calvin. Something breaks so the captain of the ship has to make a space walk, which leads to the discovery that Calvin needs water and oxygen to survive. SURPRISE, Calvin attacks her and she floats off into space. Calvin grows bigger then they lose it again. Calvin is chilling somewhere in the ship as the four other astronauts attempt to close themselves off from it. The British dude starts talking crazy while they are “closed off” from Calvin. “Calvin is strong…he’s going to kill us… he HAS to kill us.” The three sane nauts are like, “lol what are you tripping on?” Then they see Calvin hiding in the British guys pants, munching on his leg. SURPRISE CALVIN IS IN THE ROOM!!!!!!! They scatter, lose Calvin, Calvin kills another person, same old same old.

Jake Gyllenhaal and this girl he has a crush on are the only ones left. They need to escape. Jake is going to lure Calvin into the same escape pod as him and head into deep space, and the girl gets in the other escape pod and heads back to Earth. The pods are travelling next to each other…which is which? You know what’s going to happen. The girl’s pod gets shot into deep space, her computer malfunctioned, she gon die. The capsule with Jake and Calvin land in a body of water somewhere near Japan. END OF WORLD (I presume).

Moral of the story: the movie is funny (although it’s not intended to be), it’s predictable, and it shows that we shouldn’t explore Mars unless we want a blood sucking Flubber to invade Earth.

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